End. Too many mistakes in a job leads to losing that job.

Currently, that is exactly where I sit. I’m teetering on the brink of 15 years of blood, sweat, tears, heartache and lack of sleep all for nothing. Honestly, I feel as though I’m even past that breaking point.

I haven’t been told, but I’m certain I’m finished.

In my line of work, a reporter, you can’t get things wrong. In my line of work, if you get something wrong once in a while, it can be forgiven. In my line of work, if mistakes happen too often, you’re out of a career.

It’s the last one I feel I am at right now.

Over the past several months, I was reluctant to share thoughts of work and life. I began this blog as a way of therapy for myself: no friends I can confide in anyway, no colleagues either and a family that doesn’t truly know just how important even making one mistake, let alone several, can be.

After yet another mistake-filled edition of the newspaper I work for, I am having all sorts of mixed feelings.

None of them are good. Those feelings go from dark to void of light. I am paying handsomely for mistakes internally, and the external cost has yet to be registered.

In the past, when things were at a crossroads, I just tried to leave my faith in what the Lord has in store for me. I know that is definitely the solution. It still does not solve my issues.

I am the one making mistakes. I am the one hurting the credibility of the newspaper and the other people on its staff. I am the making the damages.

I have to pay. How? Should I be fired? Should I look for a new career? Should I back away from any other involvement that I have?

Sitting here, I don’t know where to turn, or what to do. My fate lies in the others around me.

I’m mentally prepared to face the consequences of my actions. I haven’t been one to shirk responsibility or be held accountable.

And what if I am allowed to stay? What can I do to be excellent? Why can’t I be the same person I was in my youth: on top of my tasks and everything around it?

What is preventing me from even doing the basics right?

How do I get past some of the feelings I have had when I was a teen, the feelings of a complete and total failure? Was it being afraid to fail the reason why I succeeded before?

Was it because I was withdrawn from others – no one there at home or school – the reason I succeeded?

I can’t put my finger on it. And I don’t have a lot of time to fix this. What also is pushed hard in my line of work is that if you can’t get it right, and can’t do it quickly, there is someone else who will try. Back to the crossroads.

Where to go next? Am I complete waste? Is there a point?

I know I can’t allow for feelings or emotions to get in the way. That much is certain. Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. I know I will live with it.

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